{Sigh}

Oh, what a difficult day today has been.  I woke up this morning and realized that it was the 7th.  Just one month from today, we'll be faced with what would have been Kristen's 1st birthday.  That's been on my mind for some time now, but it really jumped out at me this morning.  I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed all day.  But the day-to-day responsibilities called loudly, so I got up, helped Grace with her math, gave spelling tests, quizzed the girls on their memory verses, read to them about Gladys Aylward, tried to pronounce the colors of the rainbow in Japanese, and decided to put off writing Haiku until tomorrow.  I managed to make it through an afternoon of work, get supper, then headed to church.

Tonight was the first Wednesday night praise and worship service I have been to since Kristen died.  She always went with us on Wednesday nights.  She had been prayed over many times at those Wednesday night services (most before she was ever born).  The last time she was with us in church was at a Wednesday night service just two days before her surgery last August.  Talk about memories.  I feel like I've been tossed about in a very rough sea.  And to have it fall on the 7th just intensified those emotions.  Hearing others pray prayers of thanksgiving for the safe delivery of grandchildren isn't easy.  Of course I'm happy for them, but it reminds me all too much of similar prayers that were prayed for us and how it can all change in an instant.

The church family that God has provided for us is amazing beyond words.  They have been there through it all and continue to be there.  I love each and every one of them and pray that one day I'll be able to share that with them without blubbering.  As it is now, my emotions get the better of me and I can barely eke out anything that's intelligible.  The tears are always just below the surface and it doesn't take much for them to come pouring out.  I don't expect to be able to ever wear anything but waterproof mascara again!

Pastor Kevin assured me that it would get easier.  He's never led me wrong, and I don't expect he will.  Deep down, I know he's right, though it sure seems to be getting harder right now. 

A New Set of Questions

I've asked a lot of questions of God over these last many months.  Most of them are "Why?" questions.  I read this just this morning in Through a Season of Grief: Devotions for Your Journey from Mourning to Joy:

At some point in time, if you are to continue toward healing, you must let go of the questions. Your questions may be answered later or they may not, but it is in the process of moving toward healing that you are most likely to get the answers you want.

It went on to say that you need to change your questions from "Why?" to "How?"  How can I use this situation to glorify God?  How can I use it to help someone else?

As Kristen's birthday approaches, I find myself really struggling with what to do that day.  Do I want to share that day with others?  Is it selfish to want to be alone that day?  Is it strange to have a party when the guest of honor can't be there?  Do we keep the day as "normal" as possible?  Do I want to go to the cemetery?  Would I rather stay here and sit by Kristen's tree?  A whole new set of questions.

Perhaps if I change those questions a bit, I will find the answers to be more clear.  How can I best celebrate Kristen's birthday?   How can I include the wishes of my family?  How do I focus on remembering the day of her birth without continuing down that road and also remembering the day of her death?

I'm still working on the answers.

Bittersweet

Holidays have been very difficult since Kristen died. And sadly, the joyous day just past was no exception. Easter is such a meaningful and beautiful time. Even in the midst of my personal grief, it still is what it is...a joyous celebration of the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! This year was understandably different...meaningful in a different way, I guess.

Holy Week at our church is a special time, one that our pastors do not ever take lightly.  Perhaps because of that very direct focus on the events of Jesus' life from Palm Sunday through Easter, my emotions were on high alert.  I felt much closer to God as I walked through Holy Week this year.  That closeness made me think even more of Kristen, which made me miss her more than ever.  Because I seemed to be falling apart at every turn of my everyday life, I leaned into my heavenly Father more.  It's an odd cycle and a crazy combination of bitter and sweet, of sorrow and joy, of tears and smiles.

It is only through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ that anyone is saved.  Because of that, I know where Kristen is right now, and I know that I will one day be reunited with her.  The countless tears that have rolled down my cheeks are not tears of despair.  They reflect a longing like I have never experienced before, one that I find difficult to adequately describe.

This world is not it!

Grief has a way of coloring everything. Even a Palm Sunday processional and Easter egg hunt now remind me of my little one who won’t be doing those things. Months ago, I was “past” all those baby stages, all the “firsts,” and I was fine with that. In fact, I remember responding (on more than one occasion) to the question, "Wouldn't you like to have more children?" with a resounding, "No!"  Our two girls were just two years apart and way past diapers, potty-training, and teething. They didn't need me to bathe them any more. They could feed and dress themselves and even pick up after themselves (sometimes!).  We had even moved past needing booster seats in the van.  Life was good.

Then I found out I was pregnant. (I thought I was starting early menopause, so imagine the shocked look on my face when I got the news.)

It did take me a little time to recover from that sudden departure (talk about a 180 degree turn!). After it had sunk in, I was excited about going through all those things again, about seeing things through the eyes of a little one. Even more exciting was hearing the joy in Emily and Grace's voices as they talked about the things they would teach their baby sister when she was old enough. Emily had already volunteered to teach Kristen how to read, and I'm certain no one has ever been more excited about being the middle child than my dear Grace.

Then my world suddenly shifts a second time. My life has taken another 180 degree turn, and I’m back to being past those stages again. But this time, I’m longing for them. It just seems cruel and wrong. And it is.

Written across the top of the first page in my Bible are the words, "This world is not it!" (That was done at the urging of Pastor Kevin during one of his classes.) Yes, there are rotten things that happen in this life. And sometimes they happen to us. Losing Kristen after such a worrisome pregnancy, yet safe delivery, is rotten. It stinks. And it makes no sense to my human mind. But we live in a fallen world. Once Adam and Eve disobeyed God, the world was no longer perfect. Sin entered the picture, and things have never been the same. But this world is not it! I know exactly where Kristen is, and I know that I will see her again. The assurance of my salvation has never been more real to me than it has become through this experience. As much as I still wish things were different, as much as I wish that Kristen was still here with me, I know that she is in no better hands. She will never be sick, she will never be in pain, she will never have her feelings hurt, she will never have her heart broken, she will never make a bad decision and have to live with the consequences. As much as I ache for those "firsts" with her, I am grateful for a God that offers the gift of salvation to those who accept. I urge you to look at your relationship with Him. Make it right, and do it today.

 

Their story, but a peek into my own heart...

I found an interview with Todd & Angie Smith recently, one they had done after the birth and death of their daughter, Audrey Caroline.  Their circumstances were not exactly the same as ours, but the emotions are strikingly similar.  As I watched the video, I found myself agreeing involuntarily with both tears and the nodding of my head.  Nothing I have seen, read or heard since Kristen died matches my own thoughts so closely.  It is their story - a story of hope - but it is also a peek into my own heart.


Smith Family Story from Cross Point Church on Vimeo.

If you're not familiar with the Smiths, Todd is part of Selah, a Dove award-winning Christian recording group.  (I saw them in Omaha in October 2009.  They are amazing!)  Angie continues to write her blog, Bring the Rain, which she started when she was pregnant with Audrey. She also has a book, I Will Carry You, coming out in May 2010.

Can we prepare?

In Pastor Kevin's class on suffering tonight, someone commented that we, as Christians, need to prepare for times of suffering.  While I agree that we need to be growing in our faith always, I don’t believe that we can really prepare for the tragedies that await us in this life.  Some might see it as my simply being naïve, but Kristen not making it through her surgery was not even a possible scenario in my world.  And then it happened.  As with others who have unforeseen things happen to them, we were blindsided.  Those situations are a test of our faith, and I’m not sure we can even know how we’ll respond until we’re faced with it.  Ah, there arrives that desperate need for God’s grace.  That's something Pastor Kevin has prayed for us from the beginning.  I am grateful for that specific prayer.

The 6-month mark came for me last week with all the suffocating ache I remember from August.  It really knocked the wind out of me.  All day last Sunday, I remembered the day of Kristen's surgery...how well things were going, then how terribly wrong it all went.  Last Monday and Tuesday were filled with memories of the hospital. Then the 17th...thinking back to saying goodbye to Kristen and watching as she breathed her last breath in her daddy's arms.  And that awful trip home, to a house full of reminders.  Days like that are so hard…I get to the point where I don't even know what to pray.  I feel completely wrung out and restless, wishing I could just sleep for a week, but knowing I'd just lie in bed thinking too much.

As awful as days like that are, I still know that God is there, that He has a greater plan, that He is in control.  I know that He knows my pain and heartache, that He loves me so much that He was willing to allow His own Son to die on a cross for my sins.  Having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ is the only preparation for dealing with the tragedies of this earthly life.  It can certainly feel like it's not enough, but I can't even begin to imagine where I would be without it.

Renovation

A couple of Sundays ago, as I was getting ready for church, a word came to mind…RENOVATION. It made me think of all we did to the house to get ready for Kristen. We replaced old, rotted windows in the bedrooms upstairs, cut a hole in our basement wall (scary!) and put in an egress (escape) window, added a shower to the half-bath downstairs, moved Emily to her new bedroom down there, and transformed Emily’s old bedroom into a nursery for a baby we were not planning on, but were so very excited about. Since Kristen’s death, a different kind of renovation has been going on. It’s just as messy as the remodeling on the house and much more painful than I ever imagined. Beauty will rise from these ashes.