Can we prepare?

In Pastor Kevin's class on suffering tonight, someone commented that we, as Christians, need to prepare for times of suffering.  While I agree that we need to be growing in our faith always, I don’t believe that we can really prepare for the tragedies that await us in this life.  Some might see it as my simply being naïve, but Kristen not making it through her surgery was not even a possible scenario in my world.  And then it happened.  As with others who have unforeseen things happen to them, we were blindsided.  Those situations are a test of our faith, and I’m not sure we can even know how we’ll respond until we’re faced with it.  Ah, there arrives that desperate need for God’s grace.  That's something Pastor Kevin has prayed for us from the beginning.  I am grateful for that specific prayer.

The 6-month mark came for me last week with all the suffocating ache I remember from August.  It really knocked the wind out of me.  All day last Sunday, I remembered the day of Kristen's surgery...how well things were going, then how terribly wrong it all went.  Last Monday and Tuesday were filled with memories of the hospital. Then the 17th...thinking back to saying goodbye to Kristen and watching as she breathed her last breath in her daddy's arms.  And that awful trip home, to a house full of reminders.  Days like that are so hard…I get to the point where I don't even know what to pray.  I feel completely wrung out and restless, wishing I could just sleep for a week, but knowing I'd just lie in bed thinking too much.

As awful as days like that are, I still know that God is there, that He has a greater plan, that He is in control.  I know that He knows my pain and heartache, that He loves me so much that He was willing to allow His own Son to die on a cross for my sins.  Having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ is the only preparation for dealing with the tragedies of this earthly life.  It can certainly feel like it's not enough, but I can't even begin to imagine where I would be without it.

Renovation

A couple of Sundays ago, as I was getting ready for church, a word came to mind…RENOVATION. It made me think of all we did to the house to get ready for Kristen. We replaced old, rotted windows in the bedrooms upstairs, cut a hole in our basement wall (scary!) and put in an egress (escape) window, added a shower to the half-bath downstairs, moved Emily to her new bedroom down there, and transformed Emily’s old bedroom into a nursery for a baby we were not planning on, but were so very excited about. Since Kristen’s death, a different kind of renovation has been going on. It’s just as messy as the remodeling on the house and much more painful than I ever imagined. Beauty will rise from these ashes.

One step forward, two steps back

I ordered Kristen’s grave marker today. There’s a whole round of tears just surrounding that.

I’m angry. I’m heartbroken. Kristen’s last hours keep playing over in my head, and I can’t seem to make that “tape” stop. I’m just having a tough time right now. Some days it feels like I’m making some progress, and then I find myself right back where I was. It’s very discouraging to feel like I’m going backward.

Conversation with Grace

This was the conversation between Grace and I as we headed to Braum's to pick up milk tonight...

G: “You know how the doctor said that I was having stress migraines?” (I had taken her to see our pediatrician in September when she had been complaining of headaches.)
K: “I don’t think they were migraines, Honey. Dr. Edmonds said your headaches were probably stress-related.”
G” “Well, I have a headache now.”
K: “You do?”
G: “Yes, and I’ve had one almost every day for a while.”
K: “Is there something bothering you?”
G: hesitantly “No, not really.”
K: “It sounds like maybe there is, though. Are you sure?”
G: “Well, You know how some people said that everything would be okay after Kristen's surgery and that God would take care of her and we would all be together?"
K: “Who said that, Grace?”
G: “You did.”
K: {Stunned, sitting in silence at the stoplight at K-96 and 10th Street}

I had tucked a "Back & Forth Journal" into her suitcase when she and Emily went to Ness City in August. In it, I had written the first entry:

August 11, 2009

Dear Grace,
I thought you might enjoy this "Back and Forth" Journal! We can write messages to each other and even share secrets! :) Something that is NOT a secret is that I love you very much and am SO glad you're my daughter! I know you might be a little worried about Kristen's surgery, and that's okay. It's only because you love her so much. Keep praying for her. God loves that cute little baby even more than we do, and He'll take care of her. Enjoy your time at Grama & Grampa's house, and we'll all be back together very soon. I love you, Gracie girl!
Mom :)

God certainly didn't take care of Kristen as I had hoped or expected, but He did take care of her. And in the scheme of things, no matter how far off it seems now, we will all be together soon. Oh, how the tears are flowing now. Grace took my words to heart, and they've been churning around in her head, not adding up to what she expected. Goodness knows none of us expected things to work out as they did. I'm glad to know what she's been thinking about so we can talk about it, but wow. {Sigh}

2009 Christmas Letter

I've never been one to write a lengthy Christmas letter. Sometimes I don't even get any Christmas cards sent! I have done postcards with a picture of the girls and a short synopsis of what we've been up to...but not this year. This year, I feel God is leading me to write something different.

You probably already know of the tragic losses my family experienced in August. We headed to Kansas City mid-August to get Kristen's lung surgery out of the way before cold and flu season hit. We were so careful with her exposure to others, knowing that an infection in her right lung would eliminate the possibility of thoracoscopically (minimally invasively) removing the pulmonary sequestration that she was born with. The excess lung tissue needed to be removed, and we certainly didn't want the doctors to have to open up her chest to do it. Despite a picture-perfect operation, an equipment malfunction caused a vein to tear. The very last step in an extremely long journey didn't go as we planned, and we lost our baby girl on August 17th. Just four days later, my mother had a heart attack and died. The waves of grief continue to sweep over me from two different storms.

I've asked many different "Why?" questions over these last months. One that's been on my mind recently is, "Why are we, even as Christians, so inadequately prepared to deal with death?" Since the Fall, physical death has been a part of life on this earth. For something that will affect all of us at one time or another, why are we so ill-equipped to face it? I don't have an answer, but I do have some suggestions on ways to help someone who's experienced the loss of a loved one.

First of all, don't be afraid to say the loved one's name. Just the mention of the person's name may bring tears, but it's okay. For me, to hear someone else speak of Kristen means that she hasn't been forgotten. I certainly will never forget, but to think that others will makes the hurt sting that much more.

Secondly, don't ignore the situation. There are some who are very careful to not say anything at all about the loss of Kristen or my mom. It’s likely that they've never experienced the loss of someone close and simply don't know what to say, or they think that bringing it up will cause more pain. Even if you've never experienced death up close, you can be a source of help. Acknowledge the loss...give a hug, make a phone call, send a note, write an e-mail, send a text message! A simple “I'm sorry, I don't know what to say”or “I'm thinking of you” or “I'm still praying for you” truly means so much.

People often feel helpless in situations where someone they know has lost a loved one. You can help in some very tangible ways-- bringing a meal over, shopping for groceries, cleaning house, etc. We've experienced an outpouring of all these things, and more, and they have been so helpful and very much appreciated. Knowing that my family’s basic needs were being taken care of allowed me the time I needed to at least begin to sort out the events that have unfolded in our lives. No one on earth can provide the one thing I want most--to have Kristen back in my arms, but all that is unfulfilled here will one day be redeemed in heaven.

Be careful about offering statements like, “I know just how you feel.” Will and I lost the same daughter; my brother and I lost the same mother, but each of us had different relationships with Kristen and my mom. There is, however, a kind of kinship among those who have experienced loss firsthand. Those who have been there do understand, but only God truly knows what we feel. Those who are grieving the sudden loss of a loved one have likely been shaken to their core. They probably will not seem like themselves, but give them some latitude to find their legs again. Giving unsolicited advice can come across the wrong way. Being told, “You’ll feel better if you keep busy,” will likely not be any kind of help or a comfort to someone who’s wondering how they’re going to make it through the next minute or hour or day.

Understand that grief is not like the flu...you don't get over it. It's a miry, mucky mess that a person who has lost a loved one just has to go through. There are no shortcuts or detours. You can't make the journey for someone else. Everyone's journey is as unique as they are. You can--and should--pray that God gives that person the grace to make it through each day until they get to the other side. Be there to support them in whatever they might need from you. They will be grateful.

Despite the tragedies we’ve experienced this year, we have been blessed with so much…the addition of a beautiful daughter to our family, three months of memories with Kristen to cherish, watching Emily and Grace grow into the young ladies God created them to be, feeling the love of our church family and so many loved ones who have rallied around us (and continue to do so) during this very difficult season of our lives. God is very present and working here! We may never understand His plan this side of heaven, but we can rest in His promises. Yes, we grieve, we ache, we cry, but we do them all with HOPE.

Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

2 Corinthians 12:9
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

Psalm 147:11
the LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

None of us can change what has happened in the past. All of us, however, can change what happens next. If your relationship with God is not what you know in your heart it should be…if who you are is not the person you know that God created you to be, then change. Seek the One who created you. Seek the One who loved you enough to die for your sins. Seek Him. The first part of Isaiah 40:26 says, “Lift your eyes and look to the heavens.” That’s what Kristen did so often, and I pray that we all will take her cue.

May you have a blessed Christmas,
Kim (on behalf of Will, Emily, Grace…and Kristen)

My miracle

I’ve got so many things on my heart. The emotions and feelings that I have experienced over the past several months encompass it all…from such tremendous joy at the safe arrival of our baby girl in May to the greatest sorrow I’ve ever known when she left us in August. The days since have been filled with tears, anger, disbelief, wonder, gratitude, helplessness, love, but most importantly, trust. I continue to trust that God is in control. Even through the anger and the tears, I know God is there. At times, I feel like I’m all alone, but I know differently. I’ve discovered that there’s a chasm that often exists between what I feel and what I know.

Not long after Kristen’s death, I was in church listening to someone talk about miracles. I remember feeling very “cheated” because I didn’t get my miracle. As I sat there, becoming very angry, it was as if God whispered in my ear, “But you did get your miracle." Reflecting on that, I couldn’t argue. Kristen is my beautiful miracle. She was the wonderful surprise gift that I never knew how much I wanted until she was given to me. She changed my life in ways I never anticipated, and I will never be the same.

I’ve had some very honest conversations with God, asking “Why?” and even questioning His plan (“Surely, there was another way, God!”). I’ve been at a place where I didn’t even know what to pray. I’ve been hit with unexpected waves of grief that have completely knocked me down. But through all of that, I still know that He loves me. He knows my pain, my heartache.

Interestingly, my life today looks very much, from the outside, like it did about a year ago, Inside, however, I know it to be very, very different. I’ve cried more tears than I ever thought humanly possible. My heart has felt an ache like I never knew it could. My arms have longed to hold that sweet baby again. My ears have strained to hear her crying for me. Even so, God has not abandoned me. He has cared for me through the loving kindness of so many people. I am truly blessed.

"She is now Perfect"

A month has passed now since Kristen died, yet it seems like a lifetime ago. This is an account of that day, and I share it for a couple of reasons. First, I feel a need to write it all down. Maybe I'm afraid of forgetting. Maybe it's just a way to work through things. Regardless, I feel compelled. Second, I hope that you will see, along with me, the good things.

On August 17, 2009, we met with the doctors, chaplain and social worker around noon. Ron, Melody, Tammy and Kevin were with us as we heard them tell us that Kristen’s brain had sustained too much damage during the long bout of CPR on Friday. We had to prepare to say goodbye.

We knew that Jan, Emily and Grace were on their way to the hospital from Ness City. Will’s aunt and uncle had so kindly offered to bring them. We expected them to arrive around 2 or 2:30. We dressed Kristen in a sweet flowered dress to try to cover some of the many tubes and wires that were attached to her. She didn’t look like herself…she was so swollen. Emily, Grace, Will and I met with Leslie, a child life specialist from the hospital, who explained to the girls what they would see in the PICU. She showed them pictures of the equipment and gently answered their questions.

After that, the four of us made our way back to see Kristen in the PICU. We all got to hold her and just be together as a family. The girls went back to the waiting room while the doctor removed Kristen’s breathing tube. I held her in my arms as all of our family and friends filed silently into that tiny room. Kevin prayed and read scripture as everyone said their goodbyes. Will held our sweet baby as she took her last breath around 5:30.

We gathered our things and left that hospital with an empty carseat, heavy hearts and swollen eyes. I called my mom from the road to let her know that Kristen was gone. Little did I know that it would be one of the last times I would talk with her.

We arrived home late Monday night to a house filled with baby things…the pack and play in the living room, her high chair in the kitchen, her rocker seat, her blanket and toys. We moved all those things to her room and closed the door, unable to even look at those reminders of the baby we no longer had with us.

That’s the very sad, physical part of what happened. There were, however, some good moments over those 3 ½ days as well. Friends and family were right there to support us, some driving a very long way to be there. The many phone calls and messages made us feel so loved. The amazing number of visits and guest book entries left on our CaringBridge site humbled us greatly. Hearing of how people were constantly checking for facebook updates made us realize how much our loved ones care about us. It’s hard to even imagine how many prayers were being prayed for us that weekend and continue to be lifted up for us.

We were able to talk with the surgeon, to hug him and let him know that we were praying for him. He seemed so very broken. I don’t know about his relationship with God, but I never got the impression that he was a man of faith. I continue to pray that he bows the knee and submits himself to the One who gave him life and the talent to be a great doctor.

We saw our dear pastor rise above his own sadness over our situation and lead us when we needed him most. He baptized our baby as soon as he arrived at the hospital on Saturday. He prayed with us, cried with us and loved us through some very difficult days. He gently prepared us for what lay ahead of us and held us up as we walked. He spent time talking with Emily and Grace, letting them know that they are important, too. We’ve always known he was special, but he went above and beyond the call of duty that weekend, and for that we are grateful.

Our family and friends that rallied around us made such a difference, not only to us, but to the hospital staff as well. They definitely took notice of Kristen’s loved ones! I believe they saw firsthand what it means to be like Christ.

I will close with this…on a wall in our church’s fellowship hall are places for prayer requests and for answered prayers. Soon after Kristen’s surgery had been scheduled, I had placed a 3x5 card under prayer requests with Kristen’s name on it. I added a request “for safe surgery on Aug. 14th and a quick recovery.” Our first Sunday back, I noticed that the card had been moved to the answered prayer section. Written across the card were the words, “SHE IS NOW PERFECT.” Indeed, she is.