This world is not it!

Grief has a way of coloring everything. Even a Palm Sunday processional and Easter egg hunt now remind me of my little one who won’t be doing those things. Months ago, I was “past” all those baby stages, all the “firsts,” and I was fine with that. In fact, I remember responding (on more than one occasion) to the question, "Wouldn't you like to have more children?" with a resounding, "No!"  Our two girls were just two years apart and way past diapers, potty-training, and teething. They didn't need me to bathe them any more. They could feed and dress themselves and even pick up after themselves (sometimes!).  We had even moved past needing booster seats in the van.  Life was good.

Then I found out I was pregnant. (I thought I was starting early menopause, so imagine the shocked look on my face when I got the news.)

It did take me a little time to recover from that sudden departure (talk about a 180 degree turn!). After it had sunk in, I was excited about going through all those things again, about seeing things through the eyes of a little one. Even more exciting was hearing the joy in Emily and Grace's voices as they talked about the things they would teach their baby sister when she was old enough. Emily had already volunteered to teach Kristen how to read, and I'm certain no one has ever been more excited about being the middle child than my dear Grace.

Then my world suddenly shifts a second time. My life has taken another 180 degree turn, and I’m back to being past those stages again. But this time, I’m longing for them. It just seems cruel and wrong. And it is.

Written across the top of the first page in my Bible are the words, "This world is not it!" (That was done at the urging of Pastor Kevin during one of his classes.) Yes, there are rotten things that happen in this life. And sometimes they happen to us. Losing Kristen after such a worrisome pregnancy, yet safe delivery, is rotten. It stinks. And it makes no sense to my human mind. But we live in a fallen world. Once Adam and Eve disobeyed God, the world was no longer perfect. Sin entered the picture, and things have never been the same. But this world is not it! I know exactly where Kristen is, and I know that I will see her again. The assurance of my salvation has never been more real to me than it has become through this experience. As much as I still wish things were different, as much as I wish that Kristen was still here with me, I know that she is in no better hands. She will never be sick, she will never be in pain, she will never have her feelings hurt, she will never have her heart broken, she will never make a bad decision and have to live with the consequences. As much as I ache for those "firsts" with her, I am grateful for a God that offers the gift of salvation to those who accept. I urge you to look at your relationship with Him. Make it right, and do it today.

 

Their story, but a peek into my own heart...

I found an interview with Todd & Angie Smith recently, one they had done after the birth and death of their daughter, Audrey Caroline.  Their circumstances were not exactly the same as ours, but the emotions are strikingly similar.  As I watched the video, I found myself agreeing involuntarily with both tears and the nodding of my head.  Nothing I have seen, read or heard since Kristen died matches my own thoughts so closely.  It is their story - a story of hope - but it is also a peek into my own heart.


Smith Family Story from Cross Point Church on Vimeo.

If you're not familiar with the Smiths, Todd is part of Selah, a Dove award-winning Christian recording group.  (I saw them in Omaha in October 2009.  They are amazing!)  Angie continues to write her blog, Bring the Rain, which she started when she was pregnant with Audrey. She also has a book, I Will Carry You, coming out in May 2010.

Can we prepare?

In Pastor Kevin's class on suffering tonight, someone commented that we, as Christians, need to prepare for times of suffering.  While I agree that we need to be growing in our faith always, I don’t believe that we can really prepare for the tragedies that await us in this life.  Some might see it as my simply being naïve, but Kristen not making it through her surgery was not even a possible scenario in my world.  And then it happened.  As with others who have unforeseen things happen to them, we were blindsided.  Those situations are a test of our faith, and I’m not sure we can even know how we’ll respond until we’re faced with it.  Ah, there arrives that desperate need for God’s grace.  That's something Pastor Kevin has prayed for us from the beginning.  I am grateful for that specific prayer.

The 6-month mark came for me last week with all the suffocating ache I remember from August.  It really knocked the wind out of me.  All day last Sunday, I remembered the day of Kristen's surgery...how well things were going, then how terribly wrong it all went.  Last Monday and Tuesday were filled with memories of the hospital. Then the 17th...thinking back to saying goodbye to Kristen and watching as she breathed her last breath in her daddy's arms.  And that awful trip home, to a house full of reminders.  Days like that are so hard…I get to the point where I don't even know what to pray.  I feel completely wrung out and restless, wishing I could just sleep for a week, but knowing I'd just lie in bed thinking too much.

As awful as days like that are, I still know that God is there, that He has a greater plan, that He is in control.  I know that He knows my pain and heartache, that He loves me so much that He was willing to allow His own Son to die on a cross for my sins.  Having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ is the only preparation for dealing with the tragedies of this earthly life.  It can certainly feel like it's not enough, but I can't even begin to imagine where I would be without it.

Renovation

A couple of Sundays ago, as I was getting ready for church, a word came to mind…RENOVATION. It made me think of all we did to the house to get ready for Kristen. We replaced old, rotted windows in the bedrooms upstairs, cut a hole in our basement wall (scary!) and put in an egress (escape) window, added a shower to the half-bath downstairs, moved Emily to her new bedroom down there, and transformed Emily’s old bedroom into a nursery for a baby we were not planning on, but were so very excited about. Since Kristen’s death, a different kind of renovation has been going on. It’s just as messy as the remodeling on the house and much more painful than I ever imagined. Beauty will rise from these ashes.

One step forward, two steps back

I ordered Kristen’s grave marker today. There’s a whole round of tears just surrounding that.

I’m angry. I’m heartbroken. Kristen’s last hours keep playing over in my head, and I can’t seem to make that “tape” stop. I’m just having a tough time right now. Some days it feels like I’m making some progress, and then I find myself right back where I was. It’s very discouraging to feel like I’m going backward.

Conversation with Grace

This was the conversation between Grace and I as we headed to Braum's to pick up milk tonight...

G: “You know how the doctor said that I was having stress migraines?” (I had taken her to see our pediatrician in September when she had been complaining of headaches.)
K: “I don’t think they were migraines, Honey. Dr. Edmonds said your headaches were probably stress-related.”
G” “Well, I have a headache now.”
K: “You do?”
G: “Yes, and I’ve had one almost every day for a while.”
K: “Is there something bothering you?”
G: hesitantly “No, not really.”
K: “It sounds like maybe there is, though. Are you sure?”
G: “Well, You know how some people said that everything would be okay after Kristen's surgery and that God would take care of her and we would all be together?"
K: “Who said that, Grace?”
G: “You did.”
K: {Stunned, sitting in silence at the stoplight at K-96 and 10th Street}

I had tucked a "Back & Forth Journal" into her suitcase when she and Emily went to Ness City in August. In it, I had written the first entry:

August 11, 2009

Dear Grace,
I thought you might enjoy this "Back and Forth" Journal! We can write messages to each other and even share secrets! :) Something that is NOT a secret is that I love you very much and am SO glad you're my daughter! I know you might be a little worried about Kristen's surgery, and that's okay. It's only because you love her so much. Keep praying for her. God loves that cute little baby even more than we do, and He'll take care of her. Enjoy your time at Grama & Grampa's house, and we'll all be back together very soon. I love you, Gracie girl!
Mom :)

God certainly didn't take care of Kristen as I had hoped or expected, but He did take care of her. And in the scheme of things, no matter how far off it seems now, we will all be together soon. Oh, how the tears are flowing now. Grace took my words to heart, and they've been churning around in her head, not adding up to what she expected. Goodness knows none of us expected things to work out as they did. I'm glad to know what she's been thinking about so we can talk about it, but wow. {Sigh}

2009 Christmas Letter

I've never been one to write a lengthy Christmas letter. Sometimes I don't even get any Christmas cards sent! I have done postcards with a picture of the girls and a short synopsis of what we've been up to...but not this year. This year, I feel God is leading me to write something different.

You probably already know of the tragic losses my family experienced in August. We headed to Kansas City mid-August to get Kristen's lung surgery out of the way before cold and flu season hit. We were so careful with her exposure to others, knowing that an infection in her right lung would eliminate the possibility of thoracoscopically (minimally invasively) removing the pulmonary sequestration that she was born with. The excess lung tissue needed to be removed, and we certainly didn't want the doctors to have to open up her chest to do it. Despite a picture-perfect operation, an equipment malfunction caused a vein to tear. The very last step in an extremely long journey didn't go as we planned, and we lost our baby girl on August 17th. Just four days later, my mother had a heart attack and died. The waves of grief continue to sweep over me from two different storms.

I've asked many different "Why?" questions over these last months. One that's been on my mind recently is, "Why are we, even as Christians, so inadequately prepared to deal with death?" Since the Fall, physical death has been a part of life on this earth. For something that will affect all of us at one time or another, why are we so ill-equipped to face it? I don't have an answer, but I do have some suggestions on ways to help someone who's experienced the loss of a loved one.

First of all, don't be afraid to say the loved one's name. Just the mention of the person's name may bring tears, but it's okay. For me, to hear someone else speak of Kristen means that she hasn't been forgotten. I certainly will never forget, but to think that others will makes the hurt sting that much more.

Secondly, don't ignore the situation. There are some who are very careful to not say anything at all about the loss of Kristen or my mom. It’s likely that they've never experienced the loss of someone close and simply don't know what to say, or they think that bringing it up will cause more pain. Even if you've never experienced death up close, you can be a source of help. Acknowledge the loss...give a hug, make a phone call, send a note, write an e-mail, send a text message! A simple “I'm sorry, I don't know what to say”or “I'm thinking of you” or “I'm still praying for you” truly means so much.

People often feel helpless in situations where someone they know has lost a loved one. You can help in some very tangible ways-- bringing a meal over, shopping for groceries, cleaning house, etc. We've experienced an outpouring of all these things, and more, and they have been so helpful and very much appreciated. Knowing that my family’s basic needs were being taken care of allowed me the time I needed to at least begin to sort out the events that have unfolded in our lives. No one on earth can provide the one thing I want most--to have Kristen back in my arms, but all that is unfulfilled here will one day be redeemed in heaven.

Be careful about offering statements like, “I know just how you feel.” Will and I lost the same daughter; my brother and I lost the same mother, but each of us had different relationships with Kristen and my mom. There is, however, a kind of kinship among those who have experienced loss firsthand. Those who have been there do understand, but only God truly knows what we feel. Those who are grieving the sudden loss of a loved one have likely been shaken to their core. They probably will not seem like themselves, but give them some latitude to find their legs again. Giving unsolicited advice can come across the wrong way. Being told, “You’ll feel better if you keep busy,” will likely not be any kind of help or a comfort to someone who’s wondering how they’re going to make it through the next minute or hour or day.

Understand that grief is not like the flu...you don't get over it. It's a miry, mucky mess that a person who has lost a loved one just has to go through. There are no shortcuts or detours. You can't make the journey for someone else. Everyone's journey is as unique as they are. You can--and should--pray that God gives that person the grace to make it through each day until they get to the other side. Be there to support them in whatever they might need from you. They will be grateful.

Despite the tragedies we’ve experienced this year, we have been blessed with so much…the addition of a beautiful daughter to our family, three months of memories with Kristen to cherish, watching Emily and Grace grow into the young ladies God created them to be, feeling the love of our church family and so many loved ones who have rallied around us (and continue to do so) during this very difficult season of our lives. God is very present and working here! We may never understand His plan this side of heaven, but we can rest in His promises. Yes, we grieve, we ache, we cry, but we do them all with HOPE.

Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

2 Corinthians 12:9
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

Psalm 147:11
the LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

None of us can change what has happened in the past. All of us, however, can change what happens next. If your relationship with God is not what you know in your heart it should be…if who you are is not the person you know that God created you to be, then change. Seek the One who created you. Seek the One who loved you enough to die for your sins. Seek Him. The first part of Isaiah 40:26 says, “Lift your eyes and look to the heavens.” That’s what Kristen did so often, and I pray that we all will take her cue.

May you have a blessed Christmas,
Kim (on behalf of Will, Emily, Grace…and Kristen)