Focus

There are still days that I feel utterly stunned over the events of the last couple of years.  There are moments that it all seems so unreal, like a bad dream.  A really, really bad dream.  Yet, I know all too well the very sad reality of  missing my youngest daughter every minute of every day.

I made it through her first birthday without her, and now I face her second one on Saturday.  And I'm still having trouble keeping a wider angle on my perspective.  When I stay focused on my hurts, they sting all the more.  It's only in pulling back and looking at the bigger picture that I feel any lightening of my spirit, any joy.  I'm able to do that, but I'm having a hard time keeping it there.  I feel like I have a faulty zoom lens...it goes in, and stays, and stays, zooms out briefly, then goes right back in again.

I'm sad that she's not here to celebrate with us, to tell me what kind of cake she would like, to delight in the balloons and decorations, to smile and pose for pictures with her sisters.  It breaks my heart that we have to celebrate another birthday without her.  It's just not the same.  And it hurts.  As overwhelming and painful as it is, that's the small picture.

She gets to celebrate every single day in the glorious presence of our Lord and Savior!  Oh, the beauty that surrounds her!  Anything I could ever imagine absolutely pales in comparison to what she's experiencing.  She's perfect and happy right where she is. 
That's the big picture.

Why is it so hard to stay focused on THAT picture?  It's certainly one that is full of happiness and joy, rather than sorrow and tears.  It's a struggle, one that I feel I'm on the losing end of most of the time.  Perhaps I've gotten lax in my grieving.  It requires one to be very intentional in many areas.  If I'm completely honest, I have to say that I don't always make the effort.

I'm working on that.  I pour out my heart to God knowing full well that He understands like no one else can.  I'm praying for His strength and for patience as I figure out how to work this lens.  He's a willing instructor just waiting for His student to be teachable.  And it's hard to be teachable when your focus is off.