Terrible yet beautiful

As Kristen's 2nd birthday approaches, I'm finding myself on that wild emotional roller coaster ride again.  The life I anticipated two years ago and the life I have today are miles and miles apart.  My reality today is a family of five that looks like a family of four.  Though I get to experience the joys and trials of two pre-teen daughters on a daily basis, I am missing the would-be antics and cuteness of a toddler who would no doubt be trying her best to run the show around here.  With a soft-hearted daddy and two doting older sisters, I can only imagine how full my hands would be!

The second year of a child's life can be a challenge for some.  We've all heard of the "terrible twos."  With my older girls, however, I really didn't find that to be true.  In all honesty, these pre-teen years have been much more of a challenge.

Maybe I've been going through my own "terrible twos."  I began my second year without Kristen last August, and I have to say it hasn't been at all easy.  In some ways, it's been much harder than the first year.  The missing has been very intense and the alone-ness more pronounced.  I've grown very weary during parts of this ongoing journey and have allowed doubts to creep in.  Rather than being "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19), I've done just the opposite.

I have, however, learned some important things about myself and about God.

I've discovered that it's easy to place expectations on people and that it leads disappointment every time.  The only one who will never let me down is God.  And as much as I know that what I just wrote is true, there have still been moments when I questioned Him.  Even so, He's still there for me, loving me despite myself.

I've learned that it's easy to justify hanging onto old hurts, but it's only in turning them over to God (and leaving them in His care) that one can truly heal.

Though this learning process is terrible and painful, it's somehow beautiful, too.  I've experienced a depth of God's love that my life before Kristen did not include.  Some days it's harder to see that beauty, but remembering what Christ did on the cross for all of us helps me to put things into proper perspective.

This song, "Beautiful Terrible Cross," (recorded by Selah) speaks to my heart about the ultimate beauty from pain and reminds me that my situation pales in comparison. 

There is a beautiful terrible cross
Where though You committed no sin
Savior, You suffered the most wicked fate
On the cruelest creation of men

Yet on that beautiful terrible cross
You did what only You could
Turning that dark inspired evil of hell
Into our soul's greatest good

We see the love that You showed us
We see the life that You lost
We bow in wonder and praise You
For the beautiful terrible cross

There on that beautiful terrible cross
Though darkness was strong on that hill
You remained sovereign, Lord, still in control
As Your perfect plan was fulfilled

We see the love that You showed us
We see the life that You lost
We bow in wonder and praise You
For the beautiful terrible cross

Oh, we gained the riches of Heaven
Jesus, You paid the horrible cost
We stand forgiven and praise You
For the beautiful terrible cross
For the beautiful terrible cross

In the cross, in the cross
Be my glory ever
Till my raptured soul shall find
Rest beyond the river

Beautiful cross
Terrible cross
Beautiful cross
Terrible cross

Only the Almighty God could turn something so awful into our ultimate good.  I am ever grateful that He loves us so much.