My miracle

I’ve got so many things on my heart. The emotions and feelings that I have experienced over the past several months encompass it all…from such tremendous joy at the safe arrival of our baby girl in May to the greatest sorrow I’ve ever known when she left us in August. The days since have been filled with tears, anger, disbelief, wonder, gratitude, helplessness, love, but most importantly, trust. I continue to trust that God is in control. Even through the anger and the tears, I know God is there. At times, I feel like I’m all alone, but I know differently. I’ve discovered that there’s a chasm that often exists between what I feel and what I know.

Not long after Kristen’s death, I was in church listening to someone talk about miracles. I remember feeling very “cheated” because I didn’t get my miracle. As I sat there, becoming very angry, it was as if God whispered in my ear, “But you did get your miracle." Reflecting on that, I couldn’t argue. Kristen is my beautiful miracle. She was the wonderful surprise gift that I never knew how much I wanted until she was given to me. She changed my life in ways I never anticipated, and I will never be the same.

I’ve had some very honest conversations with God, asking “Why?” and even questioning His plan (“Surely, there was another way, God!”). I’ve been at a place where I didn’t even know what to pray. I’ve been hit with unexpected waves of grief that have completely knocked me down. But through all of that, I still know that He loves me. He knows my pain, my heartache.

Interestingly, my life today looks very much, from the outside, like it did about a year ago, Inside, however, I know it to be very, very different. I’ve cried more tears than I ever thought humanly possible. My heart has felt an ache like I never knew it could. My arms have longed to hold that sweet baby again. My ears have strained to hear her crying for me. Even so, God has not abandoned me. He has cared for me through the loving kindness of so many people. I am truly blessed.