Mothering her

Never is the mothering so hard as on her birthday.

In our family, the birthday girl gets to have the birthday wreath hung on the front door in her honor. She gets to choose her birthday meal and the flavor and design of her cake. It's a day to celebrate!

But what do you do when that birthday girl isn't here to make those choices? It doesn't seem right to NOT celebrate in some fashion. However, when that birthday is forever tied to a sad anniversary just 3 months down the road, it's just hard. It's hard to know what to do. It's hard to push past the sadness to focus on the joy.

I don't get to mother Kristen the way I do her older sisters. Sometimes mothering those beautiful girls (a teenager and an almost teenager--need I say more?) brings me straight to my knees. For entirely different reasons, mothering Kristen brings me to the same place. It's all uncharted territory for me. None of it is the same. And I can't do any of it on my own.

And on days like this, when the tears flow so easily, knowing that she's perfect and whole and in the best possible place she could be just doesn't make the ache in my heart go away. I miss her with every fiber of my being.

But mothering her is how I push through the sadness. Every bear knit, assembled and shipped...every card sent...every GriefShare session led...every remembrance of someone else's loved one. These are the ways I can mother her. And just like the mothering I do for her sisters, I always wish I was better at it.

So thankful for God's mercy and grace, and for my Emily and Grace...and Kristen. ♥

Happy 4th Heavenly Birthday, Little One.