One month down, the rest of my life to go...

It's been a month today that we held Kristen as she breathed her last breath on this earth. It's been a month since we left the hospital very empty-handed. It's been a month since we arrived home to a house full of baby things that had to be hidden from sight. It's been a month, and I'm still sleeping with the bathroom light on. It's been a month, and I still cry every single day. It's been a month.

Somehow, it feels like so much more time has passed than a month. Other months have slipped by so quickly, but not this one. In this month, I have cried out to God, poured out my heart to Him more than I ever have. I have pressed into Him more than I ever have, too. I continue to pray for His grace to get me through this very dark place. I am intentionally and specifically asking Him to sanctify this pain for me. Though I know there is no way to sidestep this heartbreaking, cut-to-the-core pain, knowing that He can someday use it (and me) for His purpose does make it a tiny bit easier to endure. Some days, it's a very tiny bit, but it's there.

I suspect these "anniversaries" will never be easy. The 7th of every month will remind me that she would have been another month older. The 17th of every month will remind me of the day she left us. I not only grieve not having Kristen here to hold, but I grieve the things I'll never get to experience here...her first words, her first steps. I'll always wonder what she would have looked like as she grew. Would she look more like Emily or Grace? I'll always wonder if she would have like creamed spinach like Emily did or would have demolished her 1st birthday cake like Grace. I'll always wonder if she would have had curls when she finally got some hair. I will always remember that beautiful smile...and those eyes.

If she can see me from where she is in heaven, I hope she's pleased with what she sees. I'm so proud to have been chosen to be Kristen's mom.


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