The dark before the morning

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You know that feeling when your foot goes to sleep?  It tingles and doesn't work quite right until you get the blood circulating to it again.

That's a little like I feel right now, really like I've felt for a while.  Maybe my heart is just a little numb.  The days now are not so full of tears and sorrow.  Of course I still miss Kristen and my mom so very much, but I don't feel overcome with the sadness that I once did.  I think of them both every day, but I don't always feel those emotions in such a physical way.

I guess I'm still waiting to feel the joy.  God promised me that I would have it again, and I believe Him.

Psalm 30:5
...his favor lasts a lifetime;
       weeping may remain for a night,
       but rejoicing comes in the morning.

I've joined an online Bible study for moms who have experienced the loss of a baby.  I know how important it is to stay in God's Word.  I also know how hard it can be to do that when you feel such a numbness in your heart.  We "meet" each Sunday evening online using a web conferencing tool.  It's really pretty cool.  With either a phone or a headset (or speakers and a mic), we can come together and actually have real conversations.  I pray for these moms whose hearts are hurting.  After hearing each one of them introduce themselves and share about their loss(es) at our first meeting last Sunday, I was overcome again with such sadness.  But together, I know we'll find healing through this study of God's Word.

Will and I also received confirmation for a spot at the next Respite Retreat near Nashville in February.  I've written before about how my husband and I are grieving so very differently.  I believe that this retreat will help us to further understand those differences and to be encouraged as we learn ways to strengthen our marriage and our family.  I pray that it truly is a respite for us, and I am thankful for the ministry of David and Nancy Guthrie.

The Josh Wilson song, "Before the Morning" puts to music the words that describe so well where I am right now.  If you haven't heard it before (or even if you have), please listen closely.  It just might encourage you, too.

Josh Wilson - Before the Morning
video

It's sure been a long "night," but I have hope for that "morning."


9 comments:

Celia said...

Just thinking of all of you this evening. Love ya!!
Celia

Candy Murphy said...

Dear Sweet Friend Kim, Once again you have touched my life through your words. I have goose bumps. I was driving down the road the other day and heard this same song by Josh Wilson on KLOVE and God brought you to my mind. I said a prayer for you then. Keep pressing on my friend! We Love you all so much! Candy

Karen said...

I did that Bible Study with Katy and Kristie earlier this year and God used that study and those precious women to help my heart grow stronger. What a beautiful ministry! I pray for those sweet women that I 'met' so much and I hope that you will also develop a connection with your group.
And love the Guthries! They have a ministry called GriefShare that also helped me and my grief and helped me feel 'normal' in the way I grieved. I know that Retreat will be a blessed time for you and your husband!
Thinking of you today!

Jennifer said...

I pray for you dear friend! Numbness of the heart is a good phrase to express these feelings. I so wanted to do the bible study but it conflicts with our church. I know there is so much to learn and take from it. Big hugs and many prayers to you!

Holly said...

I did Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy too. It was such a great study and I enjoyed participating with other babyloss moms. I think the retreat is a good idea. I hope you can draw from it.

mrsnice777 said...

Thanks for posting the video - I've heard it a million times, but I guess I never really heard it's message.

Chat with you Sunday night ;-)

elena said...

I definitely know that feeling and what a great way to put how you feel.

Lori said...

Oh, I'm so glad you are doing the TOH study!!!!! I did it earlier (actually, I've done it twice now!) with Karen and Holly (among others) and was so, so, so blessed with it!! Just so touched by the hearts and the healing.

You already know how much I loved the retreat and pray that it will bless your heart as it blessed ours so much. I just cannot say enough about them, or Nancy's books (my favs are Holding On To Hope, Hearing Jesus Speak to Your Sorrow and her One Year Book of Hope, which I cam currently still in!) and am so thankful you have that opportunity. I bet the Hiding Place will be beautiful.

I heard that song way a long while ago, right after Matthew died, and remember telling Josh (in my head, of course) that there was NO WAY ANY JOY that could compare to the depth of GRIEF I was experiencing without my Matthew could exist.

And about three days ago, for no reason and out of the blue, I was just daydreaming about Luke being born...and I was OVERCOME with a sense of what that joy would feel like.

It was amazing. And for the first time in 10 months, I believed it. Amazing grace....and thankful for new mercies every day.

Lifting you up!
xoxo

Melissa said...

Hope you are having a good week. Looking forward to sharing the bible study with you this Sunday. Stop by my blog I gave you an award. =)

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