There is just so much sorrow in the missing. It's the missing that makes my heart ache. I miss her tiny voice, her wiggles, her legs that always seemed to be in motion, her sweet smile (with an occasional hint of an ornery grin). I miss her fuzzy little head, that beautiful baby scent, the feel of her snuggled into my arms. I miss her eyes, those amazing eyes. I just miss her. The sad irony is that I not only miss all of these things that were wrapped up into three months, I miss the things I didn't get to experience with Kristen. Perhaps even more than I miss what I had, I ache for what will never be.
As much sadness as there is in the missing, however, there is even more hope in the knowing! What sustains me is the knowing that none of what happened to our family is a surprise to God. He is God and I'm not. He knows what He's doing! I take comfort in the knowing that Kristen left our arms for the eternal safety of His. She's perfect and in His presence! There is hope in the knowing that our heavenly Father will make all of this right one glorious day!
In the here and now, the missing tends to get in the way of remembering the knowing. The waves that wash over me sometimes crash so loudly against the shore that I can barely hear His voice. I know, however, that it's there. He's there. The knowing is never gone. I suppose the missing and the knowing, like the sorrow and the joy, will always be part of a delicate balancing act. For the times when I lose that balance, I am so thankful for the Almighty who is always there to catch me.
