I've prayed to see Kristen in my dreams. I've longed to see her and what she might have looked like as she grew. Fact is, I was just re-reading some early entries in my journal last night and came across a prayer that I had written down asking God to let me see her in my dreams. I'm still waiting on that dream, but I did experience a flash of an image in my mind this morning as I dried my hair.
Until now, only a couple of people knew of my perhaps not altogether irrational fear of being electrocuted while blow drying my hair. I don't blow dry my hair near the sink or the tub, so it really shouldn't be an issue, right? For anyone else, it probably would never even be a fleeting thought, but since that part of my morning routine seems to consistently include free-flowing tears, I do get a tiny bit concerned.
This morning was not unlike many other mornings when I've sobbed through a blow-drying. Then it came. A flash of an image in my mind...one of a little girl who looked so much like my Grace, only with very blond hair (like my Emily). It wasn't like a daydream or a movie...I didn't hear audible words, but I did feel like she was telling me, "Mama, don't cry."
I wish that I could say that the experience gave me a sense of peace, but I can't. It did startle me a little though. Given the fact that I'm consumed right now with memories of the days before Kristen's arrival, it actually made me cry a little harder. I know my emotions won't always be so raw, so for now I just let the tears fall. God knows my heart. He knows the ache that resides there. He knows the piece that was carved out of it. That piece now lives with Him.
I don't feel guilty for the tears. They aren't for Kristen...she certainly doesn't need them. They're for me. I will be in a place one day where I won't need them, but until then I'll keep using waterproof mascara.
"God washes the eyes by tears until they can behold the invisible land where tears shall come no more."
-Henry Ward Beecher