I had an interesting conversation with someone over the weekend. I was a little taken aback at first, even a tiny bit angry. As I've pondered it over the last few days, however, I have to wonder if God is trying to tell me something.
I walked away from the conversation feeling like I was being judged. Someone with a limited look into my life basically expressed that I wasn't letting God carry me through my grief, that I was (apparently, not very successfully) trying to get through it on my own. It wasn't done in a mean or malicious manner, and frankly, I'm having a hard time truly believing that was the intention. Nevertheless, that is how it came across. (I come back to some of the very best advice I received not long after Kristen's death...Listen for what people MEAN, not necessarily to what they SAY.)
It's very hard to know how I'm supposed to act. I've spent the last 17 months being bossed around by my emotions. They have been so raw and so overwhelming, I feel like I haven't had much, if any control over them. There are days I feel like I'm doing better. The "crushing" days are fewer and farther in between. They've turned into moments (sometimes very long moments) rather than days. There's an ebb and flow to my grief, but it never fully recedes.
I have been letting God carry me. Goodness knows I certainly can't make this journey on my own. Maybe my reliance on my Lord isn't apparent to anyone else. Even with Him, I am sad --beyond sad-- that I don't have Kristen with me right now. I miss her to my very core, and I will until I draw my last breath on this earth.
God is still very much right here with me. I talk to Him throughout each and every day and am doing my best to listen more intently. I've wrestled with Him over forgiving some family members for some very deep hurts. My grudges are gone, but those tender spots still sting sometimes. I would have never gotten to that place without Him!
My pastor cautioned me months ago that people would be watching to see how I respond in the face of the tragic loss of my daughter. I've known that, and I've done my best to be the person God intends for me to be. I want nothing more than to allow Christ to show Himself through me. Perhaps this glimpse through another set of eyes will help me to look deeper into my own heart.