Bittersweet

Holidays have been very difficult since Kristen died. And sadly, the joyous day just past was no exception. Easter is such a meaningful and beautiful time. Even in the midst of my personal grief, it still is what it is...a joyous celebration of the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! This year was understandably different...meaningful in a different way, I guess.

Holy Week at our church is a special time, one that our pastors do not ever take lightly.  Perhaps because of that very direct focus on the events of Jesus' life from Palm Sunday through Easter, my emotions were on high alert.  I felt much closer to God as I walked through Holy Week this year.  That closeness made me think even more of Kristen, which made me miss her more than ever.  Because I seemed to be falling apart at every turn of my everyday life, I leaned into my heavenly Father more.  It's an odd cycle and a crazy combination of bitter and sweet, of sorrow and joy, of tears and smiles.

It is only through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ that anyone is saved.  Because of that, I know where Kristen is right now, and I know that I will one day be reunited with her.  The countless tears that have rolled down my cheeks are not tears of despair.  They reflect a longing like I have never experienced before, one that I find difficult to adequately describe.