I've asked a lot of questions of God over these last many months. Most of them are "Why?" questions. I read this just this morning in Through a Season of Grief: Devotions for Your Journey from Mourning to Joy:
At some point in time, if you are to continue toward healing, you must let go of the questions. Your questions may be answered later or they may not, but it is in the process of moving toward healing that you are most likely to get the answers you want.It went on to say that you need to change your questions from "Why?" to "How?" How can I use this situation to glorify God? How can I use it to help someone else?
As Kristen's birthday approaches, I find myself really struggling with what to do that day. Do I want to share that day with others? Is it selfish to want to be alone that day? Is it strange to have a party when the guest of honor can't be there? Do we keep the day as "normal" as possible? Do I want to go to the cemetery? Would I rather stay here and sit by Kristen's tree? A whole new set of questions.
Perhaps if I change those questions a bit, I will find the answers to be more clear. How can I best celebrate Kristen's birthday? How can I include the wishes of my family? How do I focus on remembering the day of her birth without continuing down that road and also remembering the day of her death?
I'm still working on the answers.