{Sigh}

Oh, what a difficult day today has been.  I woke up this morning and realized that it was the 7th.  Just one month from today, we'll be faced with what would have been Kristen's 1st birthday.  That's been on my mind for some time now, but it really jumped out at me this morning.  I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed all day.  But the day-to-day responsibilities called loudly, so I got up, helped Grace with her math, gave spelling tests, quizzed the girls on their memory verses, read to them about Gladys Aylward, tried to pronounce the colors of the rainbow in Japanese, and decided to put off writing Haiku until tomorrow.  I managed to make it through an afternoon of work, get supper, then headed to church.

Tonight was the first Wednesday night praise and worship service I have been to since Kristen died.  She always went with us on Wednesday nights.  She had been prayed over many times at those Wednesday night services (most before she was ever born).  The last time she was with us in church was at a Wednesday night service just two days before her surgery last August.  Talk about memories.  I feel like I've been tossed about in a very rough sea.  And to have it fall on the 7th just intensified those emotions.  Hearing others pray prayers of thanksgiving for the safe delivery of grandchildren isn't easy.  Of course I'm happy for them, but it reminds me all too much of similar prayers that were prayed for us and how it can all change in an instant.

The church family that God has provided for us is amazing beyond words.  They have been there through it all and continue to be there.  I love each and every one of them and pray that one day I'll be able to share that with them without blubbering.  As it is now, my emotions get the better of me and I can barely eke out anything that's intelligible.  The tears are always just below the surface and it doesn't take much for them to come pouring out.  I don't expect to be able to ever wear anything but waterproof mascara again!

Pastor Kevin assured me that it would get easier.  He's never led me wrong, and I don't expect he will.  Deep down, I know he's right, though it sure seems to be getting harder right now.