Posted by Kim @ Peace of my Heart on Thursday, July 15, 2010 |
You know when you're working a jigsaw puzzle, and you find a piece that looks like it belongs in a particular place? The colors and patterns seem right. The shape seems right. It looks like it was made to fit in that spot...but it just doesn't.
I'm discovering some parts of my life that are a lot like that. Things that I was very much involved in before Kristen's death just don't seem like they "fit" anymore. I had chalked those awkward feelings up to being so consumed with grief. And maybe that's still the case, but after a statement in this week's GriefShare video (Session 12), I have to wonder if there's more to it. The statement made was regarding easing back into church (#9 in the "Top Twenty Lessons of Grief") and how the groups you were a part of before the death of a loved one may no longer be a good fit. Though the video spoke about church specifically, it seems that the lesson would certainly apply to other areas of a person's life as well.
Grief changes you. Those changes occur at such a deep level within your heart and soul that the outward portion of your life can't help but be affected. Despite how much my life today looks like it did prior to finding out I was pregnant with Kristen, I know it to be so very, very different. Those differences are things I cry over and rejoice about...sometimes at the same time.
I suppose it makes sense that relationships will change because I'm not the same person I once was. Friendships seem different (some strengthened, some fractured), family relationships seem changed (again, some for the better, some not), areas of my life that I've poured my energy and talents into seem forced, new things seem hollow.
Nancy Guthrie shared on that video that deep sorrow actually expands a person's capacity for great joy. That is truly a beautiful observation, one that I'm sure will become more and more obvious as I gain more distance.
Yes, grief has changed, and is changing, me. I may not "fit" into the puzzle where I thought I did, but there is a place for me. Just as it's best to keep hunting for the right spot rather than to jam a puzzle piece into the wrong place, I must be watchful as God reveals to me that place where He wants me to be. Changes are going to happen to all of us, and some of those changes will not be ones that we would ever willingly seek out. Because of Who He is, God can, and will, use them all for good. We just have to continue to trust Him. We may see a piece or two of the puzzle, but He's got the box lid and knows where every single piece goes.