I've survived a year without Kristen.

There have been days that I have been emotionally knocked to the ground, unsure if I would make it through the next hour.  But, I have survived.  There have been days that I've been just too sad to do much of anything.  Even so, I have survived.  Too many nights, I have cried myself to sleep and awakened with swollen eyes and an aching heart.  Yet, I have survived.  There have also been days that I have smiled, even laughed.  Those days are special and remind me that it won't always be like this.

As I spoke recently with a friend who lost her husband a little over a year ago, she said, "They say it gets easier, but I think they lied."  When our hearts are so very tender, it certainly doesn't feel easier.  In fact, there are days that I feel like for every step I've taken forward, I'm moving two steps back.  Grief is definitely not a static experience.  It changes everything.

There's a reason that they call the family members of a deceased person "survivors."  We endure the circumstances that change our lives forever.  It's taken just about everything I've got to survive, but I have.  Actually, it's taken me giving everything to God to survive this past year.  He has been there, even when it felt like no one else was.

Thanks be to God, I have survived a year.


Lori said...

That's exactly how I feel...when people tell me I'm strong or brave or that I'm doing so well...I'm always quick to tell them that a) it's not me--it's supernatural and completely God and b) it's not bravery or strength as much as it is simple survivorship.

We survive. Bruised, scarred, shaken and forever changed, but we survive.

Karin said...

Yes - you have SURVIVED! That is no small accomplishment. You will always miss Kristen so very much, but like you said, you have and will endure. What a wonderful God we have to carry us. Thinking of you and your sweet baby.

Jennifer said...

You are so brave and such a wonderful mother! I have been thinking about you and praying for you. In a moment...

elena said...

Definitely praising God with you for our survival. That's all we can do, its what we have to do. I do not believe this gets "easier" I feel this is just the way its going to be for the rest of my life. I think some would describe it as getting "easier" for lack of a better way to describe it but I definitely do not think this will ever get easier, we just survive the best way we can.

Holly said...

Sending some love and hugs your way.

Karen said...

This was such an honest and beautiful post. Thank you for sharing this. Praise God that He carries us through...especially when we don't think we can make another step.

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